So many regrets
by Lucyinthesky1996
Summary: Gary is left injured after an act of bravery and Stan is there for him while he fights for his life. Stary.
1. Regretting

It wasn't his fault, Stan knew that.

If it was anyone's fault, it was Kyle's. It was _his_ idea to sneak out when they were supposed to be babysitting, it was _him_ who forgot to close the window. But there was no point playing the blame game, not now.

All that mattered now was that Gary was in a hospital bed, on life support, slowly dying.

Kyle was waiting outside the cubicle but Stan didn't want to see him. He was afraid he'd punch him straight in the eye if he ever saw his face again. He knew that it was partly Gary's fault too. He didn't have to do what he did. He could have just passed on by as if nothing was happening.

But Gary wasn't like that. His big heart got in the way of everything.

Stan reached over and squeezed his hand, hoping if he squeezed hard enough Gary would feel it and squeeze back.

"Idiot…" he kept muttering, "…stupid, stupid, stupid…"

He wasn't talking about Gary. He was talking about himself. He knew it wasn't his fault but still, he blamed himself.

It'd all been so fast, so ridiculously fast.


	2. World's worst babysitters

Stan had been woken up early that morning by a phone call.

It was Kyle. No surprise there then.

"Hey Stan, you awake?"

"I am now"

"Listen, my mom and dad are going out and I'm stuck looking after the baby. Fancy coming over and keeping a Jew company?"

"Um…I dunno Kyle. I'm pretty busy today"

"Oh yeah, doing what?"

"Erm…" Stan glanced around his room.

It looked like a lion's den, minus the corpses.

"C'mon man, you can't leave me all by myself. Ike's a _nightmare_ when he's bored"

Stan sighed, stretching out on his bed, "Fine, whatever. As long as I'm not stuck doing all the work"

* * *

"_Yeah_, Ike" Stan lifted the baby higher in his arms, "You're so _cute_, aren't you?"

The baby squealed as Stan lifted him higher.

"You're doing great Stan" Kyle called from the other side of the room, not taking his eyes off his PSP, "Just keep it up for another two hours and then my parents will be back from the store"

Stan frowned at him, "As I recall, we were _both_ supposed to be babysitting, Kyle"

"Yeah, but you're a lot better at it than me. See? Ike loves you"

Stan glanced down at the toddler who had taken off his hat and started to suck it, much to his surprise.

"Hey Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"Whatever happened to that faggy kid?"

"Who?"

"Y'know, that Mormon?"

"Gary? I dunno."

"He's never at school anymore"

"Maybe he moved"

"Good riddance" Kyle snorted, "He was damn annoying that kid"

"Gary was ok…" Stan suddenly went quiet, setting Ike down on the floor and letting him crawl away, "…I mean, if you'd given him a chance…"

"Hey, _you_ were the one who flipped out at his house and insulted his religion, not me" Kyle said in defence.

Stan still hated himself for that. Him and Gary had got along great up until then. Why did he have to be such a thoughtless bastard all the time?

The wave of pain passed through to Kyle.

"I'm bored" he said, getting up, "Let's go out"

Stan blinked at him, "But…what about Ike?"

"He'll be fine, it'll only be for a little while"

Stan glanced over at the toddler, who'd sat himself in the corner and was busy chewing on his own sock.

"Well…alright"

* * *

He'd been an idiot saying that. He knew it was wrong to leave Ike on his own. If only he'd said no, none of this would have ever happened.

You couldn't say no to Kyle.

Stan sat back in his seat, trying to remember what had happened next.

What happened next was the scariest part.


	3. The fall

"Man, that was cool. See, I _told_ you we could watch the all-state basketball game from the alley if I stood on your shoulders"

"Um Kyle…don't you think we should go back and see if Ike is okay?"

Kyle rolled his eyes, "He'll be fine Stan, Ike is smart. He can look after himself for an hour or two"

"He's _three_ Kyle"

"_And_ he's already in Kindergarten"

Stan raised an eyebrow at him.

"Ok, ok fine, we'll go back to mine. Jesus, you're so_ paranoid_ Stan"

By the time they'd made their way back to Kyle's street, Stan had received an earful about how dull, boring and "like Kyle's mom" he was. He didn't really give a crap. He just wanted to go home.

"I mean, I don't see what the problem is" Kyle ranted, "It's only a few hours. He's probably playing building blocks or doing my homework for me or something. Jeez, you're such a worrier Stan. No wonder Cartman always calls you a p-"

There was a pause and Stan banged right into Kyle, who'd stopped dead on his tracks. Stan didn't understand why he'd stopped. They only had to cross the road to get to Kyle's house and there were no cars about so there was no problem crossing.

"Kyle?"

Kyle said nothing. He paled and pointed a shaky finger towards the other side of the street. Stan could see he was pointing at his own house, to his bedroom window. It was wide open, for some strange reason, and something was leaning out of it. Something small wearing a blue one-piece.

Shit, it was Ike.

"Ike!" Kyle screamed, "Don't move!"

The toddler was leaning dangerously out of the window, dangling one of his toys over the driveway. At the sound of Kyle's voice, he looked up and waved at him, oblivious to the danger he was in. Kyle raced across the street like lightning, very narrowly avoiding being hit by a car and threw his front door open, Stan struggling to keep up behind him. As soon as he reached his bedroom door, he flung it open.

"Ike!"

Startled by the noise, Ike's hand slipped on the wet window frame so he lost his balance completely and toppled forwards to the ground below.


	4. The hero

Stan had never heard Kyle scream before. Had the situation not been so dire, he would have laughed.

Kyle raced to the window, expecting to see the raw, bloody mess that was once his brother. He could already hear it, the tear-choked voice of his mother telling him how disappointed she was with him for abandoning his little brother, for letting him fall to his death.

When he had the courage to peer over, it was a very different sight to the one he was expecting. He met the beaming face of Ike, peering up at him, wandering what the hell his big brother Kyle was crying about. Someone was lying beneath him, a much more sorry sight. Stan could barely believe his eyes.

"…Gary?"

Kyle pushed past him and raced down the stairs, running out the front door to where Gary lay. He took Ike and rocked him, muttering tearful apologies over and over again. Stan went to Gary and carefully put his head on his lap. There was a dangerous amount of blood coming from the back of his head, staining Stan's jeans.

"Kyle, call an ambulance!"

Kyle was unresponsive, pressing Ike closer to him.

"Kyle, goddamit, call a fucking ambulance!"

As if shocked back to life, Kyle looked up, nodded through his sweat and ran back into the house. Stan kept Gary's head on his lap, gently stroking his hair. The red stained lips moved a little.

"….Stan?"

"Gary" Stan felt his eyes glass over, "Hey buddy"

"Do you…still hate me?" blood started coming out of his nose.

"What? No, no, I never…look I was a dick and I'm sorry. I thought you'd moved"

"No…way" Gary gave a painful laugh, "Not...getting rid of me…that easily…"

His eyes closed again.

"No Gary" Stan tapped his cheek, "Stay with me"

The response was silence.


	5. Forgiving

A fractured skull. But it could have been a lot worse apparently.

Doctors said the impact of the fall had caused severe bleeding to Gary's brain and there was nothing they could do but pray that he'd respond to the medication given to him.

Stan didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, staring at Gary's face, when the door opened and a ginger haired woman came rushing in, followed by a blonde man who resembled Gary without mercy. Mr. And Mrs. Harrison.

Stan shrunk in his seat, remembering the day at their house, all the things he'd said. He expected them to hate him but as soon as Karen saw him she greeted him with the warmest hug, something which he hadn't felt in a while. It brought tears to his eyes and suddenly he wanted his own mom real bad.

"We're so glad you're hear Stan" Karen sounded close to tears, "Gary would have wanted a friend here with him"

A friend. Some friend Stan had been. His eyes welled up even more.

"Oh sweetness, don't cry. Here." She took out a hanky and mopped his eyes with it, "Everything will be alright darling. Do your parents know you're here?"

Stan kicked himself. It'd all been so hectic, he'd forgotten to even call and tell his parents where he was. They were probably going crazy.

"Here" Mr. Harrison handed his cell phone over, "The hospital phones cost money so you can use ours."

They were both being so good to him. He didn't deserve one bit of their kindness.

* * *

Stan decided it was only polite to leave Gary's parents alone with him. He turned his attention to summoning up the courage to tell his parents what had happened. With shaking fingers, Stan dialled his home number. His father answered. Stan was in such a state, all he could do was open and close his mouth, with no sound coming out. He couldn't speak, too overcome with emotion.

"Who the _hell_ is calling at this hour?" his father thundered on the other line.

Stan cringed when he realised how late it was. All the same, it was a relief to here his dad's voice. Even if he was pissed and had obviously had a few drinks.

"Well fuck off then, I'm hanging up!"

"No, dad wait!" Stan said quickly.

"Stan?" his father went quiet a moment then erupted again, "Where the _hell_ are you? Your mother's on the verge of calling the cops!"

"Dad…" he trailed off, lip trembling, "…something terrible happened…" he trailed off again, sobbing.

"Stan?" his father switched personalities, suddenly gentle, "Look, calm down. Tell me where you are and I'll come pick you up."

"…I'm at the hospital…" Stan couldn't go on. He started sobbing uncontrollably, not caring of anyone saw.

He felt someone come over and gently take the phone for him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. Stan knew he should have been angry at Kyle but at that moment in time all he wanted to do was let all the tears out. He continued crying into Kyle's shoulder whilst the red head carefully explained everything to Stan's dad.

"We're at the hospital Mr. Marsh. Yeah, Stan's fine, it's our friend Gary. He had an accident. Yeah, we saw it happen. Yeah, my mom and dad are here. Okay, bye" he hung up the phone, "Your dad's coming"

Stan pulled back and wiped his eyes, "I must look a right pussy"

Kyle smirked, "Yeah, you do" then his eyes flickered downwards and his smile disappeared, "I know this is all my fault"

"Yeah" Stan blinked, his eyes sore, "Yeah, it is"

"Now's a good time to kick me in the balls"

Stan thought about it. It suddenly didn't seem like the right answer. He knew it would have been the last thing Gary wanted.

"Maybe later…" he said quietly and then snorted at how dumb that sounded.

"Why're your parents here?" he asked instead.

"Ike's being treated for shock" Kyle explained, "And I was too. I almost had a fucking heart attack"

"Yeah. Jesus Kyle, you scream like a little girl"

They both started laughing, though they really wanted to cry.

"Stan Marsh?"

Stan turned to see a doctor standing there, the same one who'd diagnosed Gary.

"Yeah?"

"Visiting hours are over I'm afraid. Only family and close relations allowed"

Stan acted quickly, "I'm a close relation. I…I'm Gary's boyfriend"

The doctor blinked at him, "Oh…well, I suppose that's alright then"

"Can I see him now?"

"Of course"

Stan turned and gave Kyle one last hug.

"Send Gary my love" the red head muttered, "And tell him I'm sorry"

"I will. I hope Ike's alright" Stan took a deep breath and pulled away, "How do I look?"

Kyle grinned, "Like crap. Now move your ass and go be with that boyfriend of yours"

Stan smiled limply, then turned and stiffly walked back into the cublicle.


	6. A friend

"Stan?"

Stan opened his eyes and realised he'd fallen asleep holding Gary's hand, his head pillowed on the hospital bed. He looked up through tired eyes and saw his dad standing in the cubicle doorway, staring at him. He sank his teeth into his lip and suddenly he was in his dad's arms, the tears starting all over again.

"Jesus Christ Stan…" Randy cast a look at the lifeless looking Gary, "…what the hell happened?"

Stan explained slowly, his face getting wetter the further he went on. Randy listened patiently and when Stan was finished he patted the boy's shoulder reassuringly.

"You're not to blame Stan" he said as his son took his time to pull himself together, "How's Gary doing?"

"I don't know, they haven't told me anything"

Randy looked at Gary again, "Poor kid. He was a nice little guy. I feel for his parent's. Mrs. Harrison's in a proper state in the waiting room"

Stan's stomach went tight. The doctor suddenly entered the cubicle, Gary's parents following him. Karen Harrison was red eyed and shaking.

"Thank you for coming Mr. Marsh" the doctor greeted Randy with a handshake, "Would it be possible to have a word with Stan in private?"

Randy nodded and gave a sincere, "I'm sorry" to Gary's parents before leaving the doctor alone with them.

"Gary's results have come back and it's not good news" the doctor went on, "The bleeding has stopped but there's been a lot of damage done to his brain tissue"

Stan's eyes widened, "What does that mean?"

"It means…" the doctor trailed off, eyes flickering hesitantly, "…operating would be pointless now and the risk of him dying in surgery is too high. I'm afraid it means we'll have to keep him on life support but…there is a 90% chance he will never wake up"

Mrs. Harrison dissolved into tears, sobs that wracked her body so she had to sit down. Stan couldn't say anything. He collapsed beside Gary's bed, shaking.

"How long?" he asked the doctor.

"I'd say only a few hours"

Stan bit his lip to stop himself crying; there'd been too much crying. Good thing Cartman wasn't there. He rested his head on the hospital bed again, muttering "I'm sorry…"

"C'mon Stan" Randy was at the door, watching his son pityingly, "We should go now. I think Gary's parents need some privacy"

The last thing Stan wanted to do was leave. He wanted to stay there for when Gary woke up. Because he _would_ wake up. He _had_ to.

But he knew his dad was right. He'd already outstayed his welcome long enough. He got up to leave but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"Wait…" Mrs. Harrison dried her eyes and looked pleadingly at Stan, "Gary would have wanted you here. And it's only right, seeing as…" she inhaled deeply, "…Gary needs a friend with him right now" she glanced at Randy, "We can drop him home for you. It's not a problem"

Randy didn't look convinced but he nodded in agreement and then went and hugged his son.

"I know this is hard for you Stan but…just don't get your hopes up…okay?"

Stan nodded and inhaled the familiar musky smell of his dad's shirt until he finally pulled away and left the hospital cubicle. All of a sudden, he didn't want him to go.


	7. A miracle

The hours went by like years.

Stan didn't know how long he sat there for but it must have been long, as the darkness outside was turning light. It'd been silent for so long and it scared him. Gary's parents sat together, holding hands, watching Gary's face the whole time, never speaking a word.

Stan remembered what he'd said, about being Gary's boyfriend. All of a sudden, he wanted that more than anything in the world. The chance to hold Gary's hand, shower him in affection, maybe even…

The thought of kissing Gary on the lips suddenly seemed like heaven to him.

He wandered if Gary was going to heaven right now. He belonged there. He could picture him wearing white wings and playing a little harp, like the angels used to look like in the books in pre-school…

Stan shook his head. Why the hell was he thinking about kissing and angels at this moment in time? Was he going crazy? Maybe he was. He didn't know or care anymore. He just wanted Gary to wake up so he could tell him how much he meant to him. But then he remembered what his dad said about getting his hopes up.

Mr. Harrison excused himself to go and get coffee, but Stan could tell that was just an excuse to leave because he couldn't bear to watch Gary any longer. He sat beside Mrs. Harrison awkwardly, unsure of whether to speak or not.

"I keep wandering what I'm going to say to the others"

Stan gave her a strange look, wandering what she meant.

Karen saw his expression, "Gary's brothers and sisters. You remember Mark, Jennifer, David and Amanda?"

"Oh yeah, I remember"

"Mark's babysitting them all at the moment. They don't even know what's going on, poor things. They're probably waiting for their brother to come home. They're all so close"

Stan knew how close Gary was to his siblings. He could never be that close to his sister, Shelly.

"He talks a lot about you Stan" she went on.

Stan blinked, truly surprised, "Really?"

"Oh yes. Just 'Stan this and Stan that'. Always too shy to go over to your house to see what you were doing. But not yesterday"

"What do you mean?"

"I know you haven't seen much of Gary lately. You see, there was a bullying issue at school so we decided it was best to educate him at home. But of course, he became lonely and well…he missed your company a lot. And yesterday he decided to go over and see how you were doing…" she trailed off, eyes welling up again, "This is all my fault. I should never have let him go alone"

Stan hesitated, as he wasn't very good at comforting people (especially adults,) and responded by putting a friendly hand on her shoulder.

"If he hadn't gone Mrs. Harrison, a little boy would be dead right now. Gary was a hero. You're lucky to have a great kid like him"

Karen wiped her eyes, giving him a thin smile, "You're such a lovely boy Stan. I can see why Gary…" she went quiet and for a second she looked a bit embarrassed, "…I know Mormons normally condemn homosexuality as sinful behaviour. And Gary is very young to be making these kind of decisions now but…if it had to be anyone, I'd want it to be you"

Stan felt his cheeks heating up, "Mrs. Harrison…was Gary going to my house yesterday to ask me…?"

She nodded, allowing a few tears to fall. Stan felt as if he'd been bitch slapped.

"I better go and see where my husband is" Karen stood and went over to the door, "I won't be long."

Stan waited until she was gone before edging closer to the bed and slowly resting his head as carefully as he could on Gary's chest, listening to the boy's heart beating weakly.

"I'm sorry it had to be like this Gary" he whispered to him, though he knew he couldn't be heard, "I ruined everything. If I knew that you liked me then…" he cut off, wandering why he felt embarrassed when there was no one around to hear this, "…if you'd made it to my house yesterday and asked me, I would have said yes. Cos, I never told you this but…there's nothing I'd want more than to be your boyfriend. I-I love you man. Look, you've got me here crying like a pussy. You can't die on me. I love you."

He couldn't stop the tears then. They came too rapidly. He wept like he'd never wept before. He kept mumbling, "I love you" under his breath and planting kisses along Gary's face, as if they could magically bring him back to life. In the end, he grew tired and rested his head back onto Gary's chest, blinking his sore eyes.

Then he felt something tickling his hair.

No, not tickling. More like gentle stroking.

Yes, gentle stroking. Fingers tenderly caressing his head.

He looked up and Gary gave him a weak, but a very much alive smile.

"I love you too"


	8. Tying the knot?

Stan couldn't believe it. There really was a God. He'd touched Gary's face a dozen times just to check he was real. He was. He wasn't dreaming.

Gary had to stay at the hospital a few weeks until he was a bit stronger. Stan decided to go and visit him at the weekend, seeing as he hadn't had an opportunity to during the week. Gary's brothers and sisters were in the waiting room with his parents when he got there and at the sight of him little David and Amanda went running up to him, hugging his legs.

"Stan!" David looked up at him with a beaming face, "Gary's been waiting for you!"

"He has?" Stan blinked, a little bemused.

"He wants to see you right away!"

Stan glanced at Gary's parents, "Can I?"

A nod came as a reply.

Stan entered to find Gary with Ike on his lap, Kyle sitting on a chair next to the bed. He was holding Gary's hand and it looked like he'd been crying. At the sight of Stan, the red-head blushed slightly and he handed Gary the flowers he'd bought quickly.

"Time we were going Ike" he said, taking the baby in his arms, "Get well soon Kyle" he nodded at Stan and left the cubicle.

"Poor guy's embarrassed" Gary laughed, putting the flowers in the vase next to his bed, "He was hoping no one would see him"

"What was he doing here?" Stan asked, taking Kyle's seat.

"Apologizing. Repeatedly" Gary laughed, "I kept telling him it wasn't his fault but he wouldn't listen"

"Yeah…" Stan scratched the back of his head, "I guess no one's to blame."

"Exactly. It was an accident."

"Is Ike alright?"

"Yeah. He was a little spooked by the whole thing but it seems shock doesn't stop his mouth from working. He can talk the hind legs off a mule, bless him"

They both laughed at that. Then Stan took a deep breath.

"You're a hero Gary"

The blonde shook his head, "No I'm not. Anyone would have done the same. That doesn't make me special"

"Yes it does." Stan reached out and took his hand, "You _are_ special Gary. Cos you're not a heartless bastard like everyone else around here. You're still kind and forgiving even after all the shit that's been thrown at you. You've had a really tough time and that's partly my fault but…do you have it in your heart to forgive a stupid dickhead and be his boyfriend forever for him?"

He smiled at Gary nervously.

The blonde laughed, "First of all, there's room in my heart for the whole world so it shouldn't be too difficult squeezing you in. Secondly, yes Mr. Marsh, I _will_ be your boyfriend because you know I wouldn't want anything more – though I think _forever_ might be jumping the gun a bit. And last of all, if this relationship is going to work, you need to mind your language young man"

Stan almost fainted with relief.

"Oh God…" he couldn't help letting a few tears fall, as he leaned over and gently placed a kiss on the blonde's lips. When he realised what he'd done, he leapt back, cheeks blazing red, "I-I'm sorry, I-"

Gary reached out and weakly put his arms around Stan's neck, tenderly pressing their lips together again.

"Don't stop…" he whispered.

"But your parents-"

"Let them watch. They're going to have to get used to it. There's going to be a lot more of this at the wedding after all"

"Now who's jumping the gun?" Stan chuckled and kissed him again.


End file.
